There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
