1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Randomize
