I'm jealous of your bromance
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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