My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
