when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
