My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
