i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
