You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
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i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
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You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.