Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night