when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
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I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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