Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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