he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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