The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
