she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
