I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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