I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
