24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
