Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
