I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
