Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
