So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
