Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
