The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
