I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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