Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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