So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
