Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
