Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
