whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
