I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
