I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
