my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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