We need to start having sex underwater more often.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
