Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
