Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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