I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
