So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
