The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
