i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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