pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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