Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Randomize
