see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
