Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
