roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
