Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
