My girlfriend figured out who you are.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
