the new term for farting is butt boxing.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
