he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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