AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
