I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I licked your asshole in confidence.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
