i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
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