his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
we're so committed to being not committed
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
