My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
