Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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