Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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