after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
