Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
the gays at disneyland are vicious
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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