I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Boobs speak an international language.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
